Stefita

Once you’ve been on the right track for a while, it can seem so easy: “Damn, why haven’t I always done this?”  But the reason you haven’t always gone the right way is because the wrong wrong is just as easy.  And for those of us who struggle with food addiction and have years (if not lifetimes) of bad habits and psychological dependence impressed into our neural pathways, one misstep can lead us hurdling down the steep cliff of binge-eating and “I’ve already fucked up, so I might as well just fuck up a little more.”  Or worse, the failure can be so disappointing that we tell ourselves, most likely unconsciously, that we were never meant to succeed, that we in fact cannot succeed.

After weeks of bikram yoga, vegetable-laden meals, and strict intake control, I took that misstep.  I started the day right– went to yoga, ate a flax-bran muffin for breakfast and lentil soup for lunch.  Then I had a taste of a new loaf of rustic sourdough bread  that was sitting on the counter.  And then I had two tastes.  Then five.  “Okay,” I told myself.  “I’ve done well up to now.  So I’ll just discount these calories from my daily count and eat a simple vegetable dinner.”  Wrong.  Four hours later I walked into the kitchen, and while thinking about what to make for dinner, I “snacked” on the following items: chips and salsa, almonds and peanuts, pear and mango, more bread–this time dipped in olive oil, beans, and dried cherries.  For the most part this list sounds pretty healthy, in fact is pretty healthy, but those calories add up fast.  The almonds alone had 135 calories.  Anyhow, by the time I had finished stuffing my face, I was full.  Yet I had found some vegetarian “meat”, my mother had made rice, and we had lots of delicious Thai basil.  The perfect base for fried rice; no, not the “simple vegetable dinner” I had planned for myself after eating five big pieces of bread and 800 calories worth of “snacks”.  Of course, the entire time I was taking all these missteps, I knew what I was doing.  But I quieted that sensible voice and pushed it into the white-noise chamber of my brain that holds everything else I don’t want to hear or face or admit.  Finally, I topped off the night with sour gummy candies that I had previously forsworn.

As I walked past the mirror, I saw myself in an ugly light.  My stomach hurt, I felt hopelessly far from my goal, and I had the horrible feeling that I will never make it.  “This is how it always goes, Stephanie, and how it always will.  You’ll be a fatass for the rest of your life.  And you’re disgusting,” said the cruel voice.  I went to my room and cried.

That night I had a terrible nightmare.  I was trapped in a Thai prison, hands chained and destined for a life of slavery.  I had to be rescued by my dad, and the whole while, I feared that the people who had captured me would find me again.  Dreams work in funny ways.  Clearly the Thai part comes from the fried rice I had made.  I take the prison part to mean the imprisonment I feel within my own habits and body.  And the danger I felt was that even if I escape, the prison will always be just around the corner.

The tragedy is that even now, as I am writing this, even as I craft the ideal ending in my mind: “We must always remind ourselves that succeeding IS easy, we just have to remember that we CAN do it, and that if we truly want to, we WILL,” the ugly voice is telling me that I won’t make it, that I’ve fucked up my entire life, that I fucked up last night, and that I’ll fuck up again.  I want to believe in the right path, but I can’t right now.  And perhaps that is the real goal here– not to lose weight, but to believe in myself.

For people who have been overweight for a significant part of their lives, especially for people who cannot *ever* remember being at a comfortable weight, one of the hardest parts of a weight loss journey is maintaining the optimism that fuels the confidence and drive required to stay on course for the long haul.  If something seems as remote as walking on the moon, then it’s likely that over time the drive to actualize that goal or dream will start to crumble.  Therefore, I believe it is fundamentally important for a person to be able to visualize him or herself as he or she wishes to be.  There are plenty of ways to do this; here are some approaches I have thought of:

1.  Make a list.  Everybody likes to make lists.  Get out a pen and some markers, if you’d like, and start listing all the things that will come along with your new body, health, and confidence.  Write down things you would do, or clothes you would wear.  Think of ways your new body would reward itself– going on hikes, going to SixFlags, learning to Scuba Dive, taking belly dancing classes.  Have fun with the list.  How might you seduce some lucky fellow or gal?  What tattoo would you get?  What nude beach will you go to?  Write out all your fantasy scenarios.

2.  Make a collage.  On a piece of paper, cardboard, or wood, paste down cut-out pictures of clothes or accessories from magazines that you would love to wear with your new body.  Or, just make cut out things that you think of when you think of your new body and health and confidence, and make a motivational collage that isn’t necessarily about fashion or body type.  It could be flowers and space objects or Angelina Jolie’s body with your face on it– whatever inspires you or reminds you to keep trucking toward that goal.

3.  Keep a scrapbook.  This can obviously combine elements from 2 and 3.  Include lists, collages, recipes, inspirational quotes, calorie counts of common foods.  You can plan your meals, write diary entries about your successes or failures, cut out and paste pictures of clothes you want to wear, etc.  This is like a blog in many respects, but the nice thing about keeping something like this is the physicality of it– you can keep it and look back on it, you can include more personal/revealing entries without worrying about others seeing it, and the hands-on artistic elements can be really fun.

4.  Check out other people’s weight-loss victories.  Look up before and after pictures online.  For example, www.theweighwewere.com has many amazing weight loss stories with before and after pictures.  Actually seeing that other people have done this before can be incredibly inspirational.  Check out previous winners from The Biggest Loser.  Look at how much a person can transform his or herself.  It’s amazing!

5.  Try online visualization tools.  I know that at least two sites offer ways for you to visualize your weight loss.  The first one is a site that takes a picture you provide them with, and alters it to make you look slimmer.  It takes about a day to get your picture back, and it’s not generally as dramatic a change as you’d like it, but it does offer a visual aid: www.weightview.com  (see my example below)

The second site doens’t actually use a photo of you at all.  You create a virtual model according to specifications that match your body type, race, and features, and then you compare it to a virtual model that reflects the weight loss you desire: http://preventionweightloss.mvm.com

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now.  Let me know if you have other ways to visualize weight loss, or let me know if you try any of these!

XO,

Steph

WeightView photo modification:

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Because my 30 day/$30 trial is close to its finish, and because the actual cost of attending is WAY out of my price range, I have resorted to finding other means of assuring that I can continue my yoga classes.  Because I would *never* have the discipline to do this on my own.  Anyway, this is what I discovered, and this is what I suggest to those of you who may not be able to afford the hefty cost of Bikram:

Ask your local studio if they offer a work-exchange program.  Most of them do.  You go in a few times a week and fold towels, etc., and in exchange, you get free classes.

Instructions:

1.  Inhale deeply though the nose.  Allow the scent of the dangerous food item to fill your entire body with yearning.

2.  While  smelling the food, close your eyes. Take a moment to clear your mind and enter a state of meditative-ly induced superhuman willpower.

3.  Will yourself to imagine that said food item is in your mouth.  Continue to inhale deeply through nose.

4.  Make chewing motions with your jaw in order to bolster the illusion of eating.

5.  Swallow

Remember kids, taste is 80% smell.  Simply fill in the other 20% with your all-powerful imagination!

Boy oh boy.  Whenever it comes to movie theaters, I seem to become so inundated with food lust that resistance seems futile.  Red-vine licorice,  buttered popcorn, nachos, pizza and beer (at some of the cooler venues)– these things are evil little suckers.  Especially when you’re sitting between two of your siblings who are eating ALL of this, passing delicious vittles across your lap.  Which is why I am very proud of myself at this moment.  When they asked me what I wanted from the concession stand, I said “diet pepsi.”  “What?  Is that all?” “Yes,” I said, biting my tongue.  And even when they continually passed their delicious snacks right before my eyes and nose, even when they shoved food in my face, practically begging me to eat some, I resisted!  Lord knows how I did it, but I did it.  And lord knows how I couldn’t do it before.  It’s so damn easy, when it comes down to it.  But at the same time, all our psychological/emotional/biological ties to our eating habits make it seem impossible at times.  But it’s all about being honest with yourself IN THE MOMENT.  Not “tomorrow.”  I couldn’t count how many times I’ve said “well, I’ll eat everything I want today because tomorrow I’ll start a super strict diet.”  And what ends up happening is “tomorrow” always sounds better than “now.”  And then you’re screwed.  The delicious, fulfilling, utterly-divine satisfaction of food lasts only a few minutes.  But the guilt can last, well, however long you’re overweight.  When I think about what I have eaten in the past to get myself to this state of obesity, I think about all the foods that weren’t worth it, all the foods that I would gladly erase from the chronicles of my diet.  Facing the reality of the “now” is crucial.  It will always be “now.”  Tomorrow will not solve the ordeal of facing whatever it is you’re putting off facing, because tomorrow it will be “now” all over again.  So yes, I suffered for that half hour while my brother and sister stuffed themselves.  But I avoided feeling like utter shit in the long run.  I have left so many theaters with a stomach ache, a guilty conscious, and a busted self-esteem– all for a few moments of fleeting satisfaction.

I did eat some delicious garlic broccoli later on, and not only was it delicious, it made me feel great.  All the suffering I had felt while resisting temptation was wiped away as I munched on my healthy and truly fulfilling antioxidant-rich meal.

It was a good day.

For a recent comparison to my “before” picture (230 pounds or thereabouts), here is my most recent picture (193 lbs):

See, I’m smiling!

I recently started Bikram yoga classes.  They’re intense, 90 minute, physically demanding exercises done in a 100 degree room.  It is *very* hard to maintain any kind of attractiveness when you’re drenched with sweat and red-faced.  And it can be especially difficult when you and your entire class are facing a mirrored wall; not only do you have to look at yourself, but others can look at you too.

Having been overweight since I can remember, I have become a very self-conscious person.  I think constantly about how ugly I look, how deformed I feel, and compare my self constantly to  those around me.  And then I had this revelation in yoga.

It all started when the sweat was dripping into my eyes and because there are no breaks between postures, I had very little time to wipe the sweat off, given that my glasses were always in the way.  Also, it was difficult to do some of the “head to knee” or “face to floor” arrangements when my glasses were in the way.  So I just took them off.  Sure, I was blind.  And no, I could not see myself in the mirror.

I felt this secret glee at not being able to see anything other than hazy shapes.  All thoughts of others’ judgments, all nervousness and self-consciousness just magically lifted.  By essentially blinding myself, I entered my own little private sanctuary of hazy bliss.

I suppose this story isn’t all too inspirational.  The moral to a story should never be “blind yourself”, I suppose.  And I’m sure there are better ways to confront one’s feelings of self-doubt and projected revulsion than to shut yourself off from the outside..  But it felt nice, and I found some peace.  And I suppose that’s not a bad thing– getting used to the feeling of knowing that you can be fat, clumsy, sweaty, and red-faced in a room of thin, flexible, graceful yogaphiles and block out all the negative energy that you create against yourself by comparison and self-doubt.  Maybe one day I won’t need to take off the glasses.

Okay, so now it’s been about two weeks and I haven’t lost a pound.  In fact, I’ve gained a pound.  Yet I’ve continued to  eat a vegetable-based diet, and eat in the 1200-1400 calorie range.  What’s going on?  It’s hard to maintain a strict diet when you’re not seeing results.  I’ve missed about 4 days of yoga (before I was going 6 times a week…), and now I feel that it’s getting harder and harder to stick to my diet.  Even though I’ve been slipping a little, it’s still not enough to not be losing (and especially not enough to be gaining).  Is this the said “plateau”?  Bikram yoga is an hour and a half of intense calorie-burning, sweat-inducing balancing acts.  And 1200 calories of mostly vegetables has to about as good as it gets.  So I’m puzzled.  And discouraged.  And being discouraged makes me want to eat pie.  Specifically, the apple pie my mom is baking.

Being the undisciplined person that I am, I haven’t written for 8 days. But hey, I’m trying to change that, so here I am. I’ve never been much of a blogger type, and it still feels a little weird, but I think it’s a good thing to be a part of a community, and it’s hard to be part of a community when you don’t share things about yourself to create a sense of bonding.  Which is why it’s important for me to do this, and the whole reason I joined this site.  On to the Update:

My sister convinced me to sign up for a special introductory-rate package of Bikram Yoga classes, otherwise known as “hot yoga”.  I had no idea what I was getting into, but soon discovered that a bikram class consists of 90 minutes of intense balancing acts and muscle toning in a 100 degree room.  I read somewhere that the average person burns 600 calories in one class.  I don’t know if that applies to me; I’m not even sure what an “average person” is, but hell, it sure felt like I burned at least that much.  Honestly, I don’t know how I survived it.  I sweat off 4 pounds of water weight, and half the time I was falling over and trying not to look embarrassed.  There is a huge mirrored wall, so everyone can see everyone else.  Of course, you’re supposed to be looking only at yourself, but I’m sure it was kind of hard to not notice the only fat girl in the room wobbling about and falling out of position.  But I felt great afterwards.  And strangely enough, I’ve managed to go every day for the past week.  I actually look forward to it in a strange, slightly scared kind of way.  I’ll keep it up as long as the introductory period lasts (30 days), and after that I won’t be able to afford it.  Sad.

I’ve been pretty ascetic with my eating habits.  When you’re eating 1200 calories a day you better be packing as much nutrition into those meals as possible…especially if you’re a vegetarian.  So I finally (after 8 years) got around to researching the kinds of foods that a vegetarian should be eating in order to get the right amount of protein, calcium, etc.  Reading about vegetables and how many phytochemicals, vitamins and nutrients are packed into them is a good way to inspire me to eat them  There’s a great website, The World’s Healthiest Foods, which lists 129 foods that are nutrient-packed and should be integrated daily into a healthy lifestyle.  It’s pretty cool– you can click on the links to information about each of the foods and learn all about how good it is for you.  The url to the list of foods is: http://www.whfoods.com/foodstoc.php

I’ve been a vegetarian for quite some time, and reading so much about vegetables made me think about becoming vegan.  So I’ve been trying that for about 5 days now.  The very first day was the most trying; my sister made a cheese and bread platter for family friends that were visiting.  Jesus, that was hard.  I found a great vegan restaurant that serves divine food.  And I’ve really started to crave and truly love vegetables.  So far so good.

So I’ve been doing all these extreme, healthy things, right?  Well, for the last week the scale hasn’t budged.  What’s up with that?  Pisses me off.

That’s it for now.

I currently weigh about 200 pounds.  In order to be within range of a healthy BMI, I need to reduce my weight to anywhere from 108-140 pounds.  I’m going for 125 as my goal weight.

Wow, that’s a long way to go.  75 pounds to go.  I can almost not believe that this is a possible feat.  But starting today, I’m going to start believing.  Now, not tomorrow– that’s my new motto.

Food Log